Almost Famous

So I've been sitting up here in Flagstaff, and I've come to a frightening realization. I've spent most of my life working in the entertainment industry, albeit on a, shall we say, under-the-radar sort of way. I never went for the big time, though, even though I always felt that I wanted to. I always wanted to set an example, a new standard of how people in that industry are perceived.

Now that I'm older and have been out of the industry, I've had a chance to look back, do some research, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want any part of it. Normal people are raised to the level of demi-deity, and they forget who they are. And once at that level of celebrity, it's impossible to go back and be considered "normal". Yuck.

Being here in Flagstaff has been rather strange for me. I write under the assumption that nobody is paying attention or that no one truly cares. It was all just supposed to be my thoughts. It helps to get them out of the system, even if it's only for myself to read.

Then Kelly Dwyer showed up, and changed all that. Suddenly people are paying attention, and that's the last thing I ever wanted. Writing in the room with someone else there is eye opening. It is a very real reminder that yes, indeed, people are reading.

I'm a loner, though. I like sitting in a hole away from the rest of the world because I've been formed by this new American culture into a character that closely resembles a classic sociopath in that I'm more comfortable dealing with people through an intermediary device, such as television or the Internet. Basically, I more easily associate with others as a concept developed by the media. I'm a TV character of sorts.

That's not what I want to be. I like sitting secluded it a far off place with no contact whatsoever. I'm a regular Hollywood recluse that hides out online.

So I need to step back and take a breather. I need to get back to focusing on myself when I write, and forget that people are watching. I can't comment on that world while I'm a part of it. I can't be aware of readers because it makes me feel as if I have to live up to a false impression of a human being. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to write more about the life and philosophy part of it all. Life isn't all Suns and entertainment.

There are some beautifully fucked up things going on in the world, and I want to sit back and soak it all in. I want to do it anonymously, but I want to comment on things. Not just the Suns. If I'm going to be appreciated for my writing, then I'm going to make sure that it's about every silly cynical little thing I can think of.

So it's not all bad, knowing that someone's watching. It's one more thing to rebel against. Always a philosophy of mine - give the audience what they didn't know they wanted. It's an odd concept, but it works. People like pleasant surprises. It makes them feel like you, the artist, respects their intelligence to give them something new.

So the Suns lost today, and I'm kinda bummed out. It's hard to write about them after a loss, especially an ugly one. There were positives, but I think it's best to deal with the negatives. Fixing those would cure everything. But it's not for me to say, so I'm going to just write some crap about wanting to get off the ride for a while. We'll see how this whole thing turns out.

Who knows. It could end with me blowing my brains out live on the 7:00 news.