Consolation Prize

Guess who is coming to Phoenix.

That's right. Der Kommissar will be in the Valley Thursday morning at 8:30 to announce that Phoenix will be the site of the 2009 NBA All Star game. All those who are surprised, please raise your hands.

What? No one?

Three instances of an event is enough to form a pattern.

First, there is Las Vegas, a city devoid of NBA loyalties. The anti-gambling commissioner, who once said that Sin City would never see a franchise until the Casinos agreed to eliminate gambling on NBA games, decided that the 2007 All Star game would be a test case to see if Vegas could handle the responsibilities of holding NBA sponsored events. Other than a few NFL-player related scandals, the event went off without a hitch.

Next, there is New Orleans, a city ravaged by mother nature two years ago. The city was on the verge of losing all interest in the NBA completely (not that they ever fully embraced their transplanted team), with speculation that the Hornets should just move to Oklahoma City permanently. Now that the new Seattle Supersonics owners are fighting the city of Seattle for the right to relocate to the City that's OK with you and me, the New Orleans potential fan base proved enough motivation to hold the game below sea level. After all, there is still a lot of healing to be done, and what better way to lift the spirits of a half million homeless people than to rebuild their city for more affluent families in order to put on a good show for the league?

Now, we have Phoenix. We know the story. It's only become worse over time, as Stern suddenly became flexible with the rules when it came time to lay the hammer on his own people. Stern is coming to us for the first time since "the incident," after which he cancelled an appearance at a Western Conference Finals match up in favor of witnessing the "greatness" that was LeBron James and the Cavaliers.

So let me get this straight. Stern basically robbed the Suns of its best opportunity to win a title last season, pissing off an entire state in the process, ran to the hills of Cleveland when he realized that his personal safety just may be in danger (in this laid back Western berg? Please!), and now is showing up with "glorious news!"

Sorry, Dave, but I'm not buying it.

I know he expects the announcement to begin reparations with the most disillusioned and disenchanted fan base this side of Dallas. His history of ego and narcissism speaks to that much clearly. But the All Star game is not a championship. It is a spectacle wherein players waste time and energy, risk their health, and are prevented from spending time with their families mid-season. This does nothing for the city of Phoenix or the fans of the Suns.

We want redemption, not a fucking* carnival side show.

Does he actually expect us to embrace his presence with open minds and forgiving hearts? Does he honestly expect that there won't be a thousand Suns fans lining 7th street waving signs, yelling obscenities, and (hopefully) tossing rotten eggs at his limousine as he makes his way to the arena?

Please. If I had the means, I'd be at the front of the anti-Stern parade with a pair of binoculars and a loaded paint ball gun waiting for him to speed by the blocked off street. (I assume it will be blocked off, due to minor security concerns - such as a loyal fan with an air gun loaded with purple and orange paint balls.)

Sorry, Dave. You've wasted any shot at forgiveness in this town. To every loyal Suns fan, you are the devil incarnate, and you have no business setting foot in the House that Black Jesus Built.

Stay out of our city, keep your shiny token, and give us what we really want (other than your own head on a platter). We want a title, not an All Star game. The best that Stern can do is to keep his cronies out of our way as we march forward to that goal.

To quote the always irreverent Tanner Boyle: Hey, Stern! You can take your apology and your All Star game and shove 'em straight up your ass!